Dear Soul Arcanum:
I would like to know if spirituality in any form can help with social anxiety. I don’t seem to be able to trust anyone, and I want to know if spiritual practices can help with this type of problem.
– Kathleen
Dear Kathleen:
First, please know that you are not alone; I frequently receive this question in various forms.
Mistrust is basically fear that we will be deceived, disappointed or betrayed. This fear is of the ego; it requires a general perspective of separation, of “I” versus “them.” Will they give to me as much as I give to them? Will they treat me as well as I treat them?
Trust is basically faith that whatever happens, everything will be fine. This faith is of the spirit. It requires a general perspective of unity, and assumes we are all in this together. Instead of competing against each other for what we want and need, we are all actors playing our own parts in this great performance called life, and it would certainly be boring if we were all perfect saints.
In my view, the ONLY practices that will truly help you heal your inability to trust others are spiritual practices, for a spiritual path will lead you from ego to spirit, from fear to faith. You will learn to look beyond surface appearances and past your temporal fears about betrayal and disappointment for the deeper meaning in your experiences, and connect with people on a higher level. When you do this, you will not only grow as a person and enjoy a sense of inner peace and security, you will also draw out the best in others. You will manifest a higher level of experience and draw a higher quality of people into your life.
It sounds like you are in the process of making a shift onto a more conscious spiritual path. Many people experience what you’re struggling with as they move from interacting with the world primarily via the third chakra (the solar plexus) to a more heart-based approach to life.
In relationships, our solar plexus sends us warnings to help us protect ourselves, our interests and our resources. When we shift our awareness up into our hearts, we are guided to love ourselves and others, to heal, nurture, and manifest emotional fulfillment. As we are making this shift, it’s natural to want to be able to trust more, and yet not know how to change our old habits.
Earth is a great spiritual school because it creates all sorts of fears about physical survival that one does not encounter in the non-physical. It is basically an exercise in learning to overcome fear in order to choose Spirit.
Further, we all carry a deep longing to recover the bliss of the non-physical, and we usually first seek that special feeling in earthly experiences and other people. This leads some people to drink, do drugs, or pursue other “highs” through extreme sports, sex, compulsive shopping, etc. Others may seek bliss by looking for someone perfect, someone they can always trust and count on – someone who won’t fail or disappoint them as their parents did.
This quest for a perfect person naturally leads to disappointment and cynicism. As we begin to build faith in something higher than our worldly experiences, we grow toward the thing we are truly longing for – a direct relationship with God. This leads us to peace with life and people – just the way they are.
When you learn how to step outside your ego and view people and experiences from the perspective of Spirit, you will rise above self-interest. Then if others are behaving in ways you have found hurtful or disappointing in the past, you won’t take it personally.
In time you may gain the ability to discern why others are behaving as they are, and what spiritual issues they are dealing with. Then you may even be able to offer them love, compassion and spiritual guidance as they struggle with their life lessons.
Further, by greeting others from a place of spirit instead of ego, you will bring out their higher natures. (By mistrusting people right off the bat, you have been doing the opposite: you’ve been expecting and therefore eliciting their worst tendencies.)
Silently communicating with people can have a PROFOUND effect on your experiences. Upon meeting or seeing someone, you might think, “The light in me greets the light in thee,” or “The love in me welcomes the love in you,” or “Namaste,” or something similar. When you do this with feeling, their soul will hear your soul even if their conscious mind remains oblivious.
Whenever you are feeling mistrustful, you can also practice this meditation:
Sit quietly and completely relax your body. Spend at least five minutes getting very deeply centered and relaxed via conscious breathing. Breathe in deeply to a count of four; hold that breath full in your belly to a count of four; exhale slowly to a count of four; pause before breathing in again to a count of four. Notice how a feeling of calm well-being washes over you, and how as you wait to take that next breath, you have a moment of worry – can you wait until the count of four? – then a feeling of relief and pleasure when you take the next inhale.
Notice how the next breath is always available to you, and observe how in knowing this, you can wait for that full count. You don’t need to worry that if you don’t breathe right now, you will suffer. You can trust and sit with your lungs empty for a few counts, for at any moment, you can always choose to breathe. It’s all up to you. The next breath is always available; well-being is always available. You just have to allow yourself to breathe it in.
Now visualize yourself as the teacher of a kindergarten class, for this will engage your higher self in dealing with others’ lower natures. Look around at all the children there. Some are from loving families, while others feel much more alone in the world. Some have been taught good manners, while others are struggling to learn how to follow the rules. As young children, each one is lovable and vulnerable in his or her own way.
You can see them struggling with problems and try to help them, but there are many things they will have to learn for themselves. Sometimes they behave badly: They may not want to share, they may throw tantrums now and then, they may even strike out at you when they’re afraid or frustrated. There are many other moments, however, when they reach out to touch you with curiosity, when they want to play with you and be your friend, when they lean against you with trust and affection.
You are at peace with all of this, for you accept that this is how children are: They can be adorable one moment and exasperating the next. You also know better than to take their behavior personally. You can see that they are all divine spirits struggling to learn their way in the world, just like you, and you know that they are doing the best they can. You also know that the more you love them and allow them to learn and grow in their own way, the more they will love and respect you, and want to do a good job for you.
Besides, your own happiness and well-being do not depend on the fleeting choices of any particular child – your well-being is as available to you as your next breath, and you choose when to breathe it in. You have learned that you can sit with disappointment or emptiness with trust that whenever you want or need to, you can breathe in the love, peace and happiness you desire.
If you trust in Spirit, you don’t have to trust other people, for you will live in full awareness that the source of your well-being is far greater than anything or anyone on Earth. I truly believe that if you ask Spirit to heal you and guide you to positive relationship experiences, your life will begin to change in wonderful ways.
– Soul Arcanum