Dear Soul Arcanum:
Lately I have felt stagnant in my spiritual growth and practices. I had a friend that was kind of like a mentor to me, but within the past six months, I have grown very tired of her and weary of anyone trying to “mentor” me. Am I being stubborn, going through my own growing pains, or is it something else?
– Jennifer
Dear Jennifer:
I do feel you are being stubborn – not because you are resistant to others’ guidance, but because you are resistant to letting go of relationships you have outgrown.
As we grow and evolve, we are led to the people and experiences that can help us learn what we need to learn next or become what we want to become. When we first discover those people or experiences, we feel strongly attracted to them. This is our inner guidance telling us that we’ve found what we’ve been looking for. Our feelings of interest and excitement are signs from our inner compass that we should go in this direction. This is why it is wise to “follow our bliss.”
As time goes on, that which once was blissful and exciting naturally loses some of its shine. Challenges arise. Now we’ll either move beyond the surface to deeper levels of understanding, or lose interest and move on. This holds true both for new teachings/practices and for new relationships.
Think about it: when we first make a new friend or start dating a new lover, that person seems wonderful and fascinating. After a while we get beneath the surface, however, where things are more complicated. In addition to all the good things that first attracted us, we discover new stuff that we struggle to understand. We may not be sure what to think of it, and spend a good amount of time really weighing it out. That “struggle” is at the heart of personal growth.
If we hang in there, over time we learn how to work it all out: how to be patient and understanding with these new issues and push through the rough spots. If this relationship or practice really works for us, we may stick with it indefinitely and make it our own. If it continues to bring us joy and blessings, that will be easy. If it brings new lessons and challenges, we’ll be motivated to keep it alive – at least as long as our desire for growth outweighs our fears and insecurities.
If, however, we discover that there isn’t much for us to chew on beneath that surface, we’ll start to experience feelings of stagnation, boredom, frustration, etc. These are signs that we have outgrown the relationship or situation.
As we are always looking for “the answer,” “the key,” or “the one,” when we find something or someone that feels like it might be it, we tend to grab it with both hands and refuse to let go. We want it to be all we have been looking for, so we define it as such. Then later when we’ve outgrown it, if we fail to redefine it in light of all we’ve learned, we may feel confused because it doesn’t “do it” for us anymore.
Just because a certain person, practice, course of study, etc., is what we most need at one time, that doesn’t mean it will always be what we need. Even something of great power can become a hindrance if we cling to it too long. We can no more force ourselves to stay in relationships or situations that we’ve outgrown than we can force ourselves to wear the same pants we adored when we were six years old. Over time, they will become more and more uncomfortable until we finally discard them for something that fits better.
This is a natural process. It doesn’t mean we’re missing something, failing to appreciate our blessings or resisting our lessons. If you felt angry, inadequate, overwhelmed or challenged, I’d recommend you look within for how you may be resisting the wisdom and experience this teacher may have to offer, especially if you admire her and would like to become more like her.
By contrast, boredom, weariness and indifference are signs that it is time to move on. When we find ourselves saying, “I’m so tired of” this or that, or “This is getting really ‘old,'” it’s time to ask ourselves why we’re still in that situation. Usually, it’s because despite our lack of interest, we’re still living according to that obsolete definition, which keeps us hanging on.
To get unstuck, you just need to update your mental files and redefine this teacher’s role in your life in light of where you are NOW. It doesn’t really matter what you once got out of this relationship; what matters is how well it fits who you have become and where you want to go in your life from here.
While it’s wonderful to be grateful to everyone who blesses us with new wisdom and experiences, gratitude is not the same as obligation. Let go of any guilt you’re feeling about wanting to move on so you can celebrate how far you’ve come!
Now, this teacher aside, everyone on a conscious spiritual path at some point grows weary of others trying to mentor them. This is a very important turning point. I feel your inner being is telling you that you don’t need to be led by anyone outside of yourself anymore. Your next step on your spiritual journey will involve you developing your own conscious connection to Spirit and listening within for your own answers. You may still take classes or read books, but instead of assuming these writers and teachers know more than you do, you will weigh all input against your own inner wisdom.
You’re very wise to be questioning yourself. That means you have developed the ability to rise above your ego for higher awareness. It’s ironic: the more we can ask ourselves if we are just being “stubborn” due to ego issues, the less likely it is that this is true. Since you’re able to question your reaction objectively, I feel that you need to trust your feelings and honor them by doing what does feel right and best.
None of this means that you’ve learned everything there is to learn! It means now you have learned enough to dig in to a new level of experience, to apply what you’ve been taught and make some new discoveries of your own. This is very exciting.
It can be unnerving to begin to forge our own spiritual trail. It’s sort of like moving from a reader of great books to a writer of great books, or like moving from a child to an adult. Instead of trusting others to take care of us, guide us, and have all the answers, now we have to figure things out for ourselves.
Nevertheless, just as a child grows and realizes that her parents are not all-powerful and do not have all the answers, at some point in our spiritual journeys, we also realize that our gurus are not gods, and there is no one person out there with all the answers we’ve been seeking. While we can still learn from others, we realize that no one is a greater authority on our own spiritual truth than we are. No one else can direct us on our spiritual journeys better than we can ourselves by listening within for guidance and answers.
So when friends, jobs, teachers, etc. grow weary for you, ask yourself why you’re still there. Odds are good it is because you just haven’t updated your mental files on this situation in light of what you’ve learned and who and where you are now, or you’ve grown accustomed to being led and are reluctant to forge your own trail.
Whenever you feel stuck, call to mind the things in your life that you’re weary of, and for a moment, ponder how they are just one tiny possibility in an infinite sea of potential. Think of how many spiritual teachers there are! Contemplate how many friends, lovers, jobs, books, ideas, etc., you’ve yet to encounter. Let the immensity of all that potential stir your soul and draw you out of what has been into all that could be. If you listen to your weariness, it will eventually guide you into exciting new beginnings and discoveries.
– Soul Arcanum