Dear Soul Arcanum: A while ago you wrote about letting go of blame, guilt, etc. in your column about cancer. What are some good ways to do this? I find that I may think I let go of something one day, but then the feelings are back the next. Any ideas?
– Soul Arcanum
Dear Soul Arcanum:
First it’s important to allow yourself to feel what you really feel. While I am a huge believer in thinking positively, I have lived and learned enough to know that denying our negative feelings or stuffing them down doesn’t work in the long-term. That’s just like pushing junk to the back of a closet. Sooner or later, it will come right back up as you describe. Besides, with all that “baggage” in our space, we end up living with a sense of constant hassle as we try to maneuver around it. Eventually, all the stuff we have pushed back or to the side has to be sincerely dealt with.
When I am feeling angry, frustrated, impatient, etc. with people, I try to remember to keep things in perspective. You might try reading, Man’s Search for Meaning by Victor Frankl. Mr. Frankl was a POW in a Nazi concentration camp, and in this profound book, he writes about how some POW’s managed to keep their hearts, minds and souls “safe” from the Nazis, despite all that was happening to them on a physical level. They never lost faith and hope; they never lost their ability to love and have compassion for those around them; they retained their humanity, their personal spirit. He writes about the one freedom we each have that no one can take away from us: our freedom to choose how we will think and feel about life and respond to our experiences.
Similarly, I have clients who are dealing with some very intense issues, such as a child being murdered, a spouse being arrested for a humiliating crime and losing his life’s career as a result, trying to recover from the traumatic experience of war, etc. When I remember that there are many, many people who have been wronged in far worse ways than I have, it’s much easier to accept my own challenges with a positive attitude. This is not to be taken as a “should.” Telling ourselves that we “shouldn’t” be so upset about something is shoving it to the back of the closet. I’m suggesting instead that we bring it out into the light and dust it off, where we may discover it’s not as scary or ugly as it seemed when it was in the shadows. It’s amazing how when we let go of ideas about how we “should” feel and how fast we “should” heal, etc., our higher selves can step in and lead us to new peace and freedom.
Further, it is not what we experience, but how we interpret our experiences – the stories that we tell ourselves – that determine how we feel. All emotional pain takes place in our heads, not in our outer experiences. Thus, we can mentally relive an experience over and over again and feel the same degree of pain if the story we tell ourselves about it never changes. When we obsess about something someone has done to “hurt us,” we allow them to hurt us not just once, but over and over again. You know that already, and are wisely asking, “So how do I stop doing that?” The answer is to change the story you are telling yourself about that experience.
You might begin by reminding yourself that everyone is doing their best; some people’s best is just a long way from how you would personally handle that situation. Had you been born into that other person’s life, raised by that person’s parents, and experienced all that that person has experienced, however, you would probably behave the same way.
Further, it is very wise and powerful to remember Victor Frankl’s message: that no one can force us to feel a certain way. We create our own experiences in life. Metaphysics aside, you can see that this is absolutely true simply by observing how different people deal with the same sort of experience. At one end of the spectrum, people are completely crushed by trauma. They either kill themselves or they never truly recover. Some part of the heart and soul is forever missing afterwards. At the other end of the spectrum, people not only grow through traumatic experiences, they turn them into assets, and perhaps even a greater life purpose. Through the fire of deep challenge, they forge new spiritual growth and strength, and go on to help others follow in their footsteps. When we really own the truth that we can’t blame anyone else for how we feel, it becomes natural to let go of negative feelings like anger, hatred, bitterness, etc.
As we begin to change the stories we tell ourselves about hurtful experiences, the way we feel begins to change. The ultimate in healing bad feelings is to find compassion for those who hurt you. In fact, this is the only way I’ve found to permanently heal those intense emotions.
For example, when I was 16 years old, I was stalked and raped by a young man who was about 20 years old. (I don’t know for sure how hold he was.) He was the son of the woman who cut my hair; that was all I really knew about him, beyond the fact that he saw me, became obsessed with me, started stalking me, and eventually raped me. Throughout this ordeal, it became undeniably clear that this guy was CRAZY. He had such a tormented, twisted soul inside that it was very easy for me to be grateful that I was not him. When I realized that I would rather be his “victim” than to be as dark and empty inside as he obviously was, it wasn’t long before I started to feel compassion for him, and to truly forgive.
I know this idea may sound really radical and challenging, but once you have worked with all the ideas above and found compassion for your “enemy,” there is one more thing you can do that is very powerful to heal your heart and move on to new joy and peace: purposefully do something kind for the person you’re feeling negative about. It’s usually best if they don’t know you did it, and it can be as simple as praying for them. In fact, that is a very powerful thing to do.
You will feel a strange sense of freedom come over you if you embrace this goal with the intention of rising above the drama and loving yourself to new well-being. You will feel yourself lift above it, and end up feeling beyond that drama, for what you wish for others – what you send out – is what you yourself will attract.
Then you will naturally move on and focus on other things. It will be easy to forget about whatever happened in the past and to fill your life with new blessings like positive people, new projects and opportunities, new learning and growth. You’ll then be so busy with all the good stuff that you’ll have no time or room in your life to reopen those old wounds again.
I’ll leave you with one last bit of common spiritual wisdom that we all frequently forget: if not for your “enemies,” whether they take the shape of people or challenging life experiences, you’d never experience new personal growth. Our enemies are indeed our greatest teachers. When we can find appreciation for the lessons they bring us, we flow so beautifully through life that we never get stuck in negative emotion for long.
– Soul Arcanum