Dear Soul Arcanum:
Could you please explain what codependency is? What fears lie behind it, and what healing tools could be used to heal it? Thank you for the wonderful job you do with Soul Arcanum – your words bring more light into my life!
Ellen
Dear Ellen:
Codependency ultimately arises from a lack of faith in a higher plan and power. If we believe that we won’t be okay unless we remain vigilantly in control, and that others won’t be okay unless we personally guide and rescue them, then we will go to insane lengths to try to make things go the way we think they should go.
Codependency is of course also a relationship issue involving a lack of clear personal boundaries. Basically, codependents misdirect their efforts by taking responsibility for others’ choices. Further, everyone has fears of abandonment/being alone. Some people avoid the potential pain of being rejected by avoiding getting too close or attached, while others (codependents) try to prevent the potential hurt of being lonely by clinging on tight, avoiding the truth, and smoothing things over. They literally lose themselves
in relationships.
Codependency always involves an addict – otherwise we’d just call it obsession. In this scenario, the addict may addicted to alcohol, drugs, gambling, food, attention, drama, or even just being lazy and irresponsible, while the codependent is addicted to the addict. All addicts feel they can’t live without whatever (or whomever) they’re addicted to, and this is what motivates their desperate, self-destructive, crazy
behavior. In the dependent/codependent relationship, neither person is centered in their own personal power; both are looking for God
or emotional sustenance in something/someone outside of themselves instead of within.
I believe that we all have addictive and codependent tendencies, for we all have fears of being vulnerable, alone, helpless, unloved, abandoned, unhappy, unfulfilled, etc. Further, even seemingly emotionally healthy people have buried issues that can lie dormant for years and then be reawakened by any number of triggers.
For example, we may meet someone from a past life with whom we have dependent/codependent karmic patterns, or connect with someone new who pushes one of our buttons. When this happens, we tend to feel a strong sense of connection or attraction to that person, and may mistakenly assume that this means we’ve met the soul mate we’ve been praying for and will live happily ever after with them. Instead, our inner beings feel drawn to these people because they can help us heal something deep within us that needs healing.
This is what happens when children of alcoholics grow up and marry other addicts. Even when they carefully screen out overt alcoholics, to their dismay, many find themselves repeating familiar old patterns. If Sandy was forever covering for dad when she was a girl, she may marry a man who constantly needs rescuing in some way in order to learn that this sort of behavior isn’t truly loving or respectful of either one of them. If Mom was affectionate and cheerful when drugged up but mean and withdrawn when sober, Bill may be strangely attracted to women who run hot and cold in order to heal the emotional wounds he suffered as a child.
The possibilities are endless: the point is that what attracts us to other people on an unconscious, spiritual level is always meaningful and purposeful. While we are drawn to certain people because they may have the traits we consciously desire in a partner, there are other, deeper forces at work as well.
I did my own wretched tour of codependent duty when I was a freshman in college. As I had grown up with an obese, food-addicted father, I was well-trained in codependency myself. When I met Dan, there was an instant feeling of soul recognition, and yet my heart didn’t swell with love and delight. Instead, it was like I’d just come across a live wire on the ground that was sending out fiery sparks: I felt enthralled but wary.
Dan was brilliant, fascinating, sexy, self-possessed, and a mean, ugly drunk. When he was sober, life with him was heaven; when he was drinking, it was hell. He loved me beautifully two thirds of the time, and the other third he treated me like dirt. This was profoundly heart-wrenching and confusing, but because I was so attached to the ecstasy, I kept hanging on through the miserable times with him. Nothing was more important to me than him loving me completely, so I accepted his addiction as an excuse for his totally unacceptable behavior. Instead of telling him what I really thought and felt, I tried to smooth things over and keep them going. Instead of drawing a firm line with him, I let him emotionally use and abuse me.
I know that many people reading this can relate. For those who haven’t been through something similar, imagine a pimp getting you hooked on crack by giving you a little taste and then disappearing…showing up suddenly with another little bit of heaven, getting you high, beating the crap out of you, and then taking off again…returning with sweet apologies and lots of what you want but then suddenly claiming a supply shortage and jacking his prices sky high. If you want it, you can have it, but you’ll have to sell yourself to get it. Since you feel like you’re dying without it, you’re willing to give up anything – your health, your self-respect, your very soul – just to stop the pain.
This is what happens when codependents get hooked on addicts. By nature, addicts are not emotionally honest with themselves or anyone else, which generates seemingly crazy, irrational behavior. When we remember that codependents are also addicts, it’s easy to see how confusion reins and endless crazy swings between hope and despair become normal.
In terms of spiritual development, codependents tend to ignore both reason and their intuition. They will continue with this as long as their fear of being alone or unloved is greater than their fear of being used, abused and in a miserable relationship. Eventually, however, the pain and frustration grow intolerable and they begin to reason their way out of the mess they find themselves in.
My head kept trying to tell me that what I was doing with Dan didn’t make sense and wasn’t leading where I really wanted to go, but I believed I couldn’t live without him. Eventually, reason convinced me that if I really wanted to feel loved and happy, I was going about it all wrong. How could anyone truly love and respect me when I was unable to respect myself enough to stop the insanity?
Of course, by enabling their addict, most codependents believe that they are acting in a loving manner. Once they realize that enabling addicts is more hurtful than helpful of everyone involved, they naturally begin to change.
Finally, at the heart of the journey of healing from codependency is the development of faith in something bigger than ourselves. When we have faith that everything happens for a good reason and everyone is doing whatever they need to do in order to learn what they need to learn, it’s easy to give up trying to save or control them. Others are already doing whatever they need to be doing, and they can only save themselves anyway. This goes for us too, of course: we realize that instead of wasting our time and energy trying to force square pegs into round holes, we would be wise to focus on fulfilling our own goals and dreams with trust that if we align with what we want within, whatever happens in our outer experience will prove to be for the best.
– Soul Arcanum