Tag Archive: abuse


Can Hatred be Healing?

Filed Under: Emotional Well-being, Healing, Relationships by Soul Arcanum — Comments Off on Can Hatred be Healing?

Copyright Soul Arcanum LLC. All rights reserved. :)
 

Dear Soul Arcanum:

Over the last three years, I’ve had some wonderful unfolding through trance and healing work, but now I really feel stuck. I was severely abused as a child, and my whole family is still covering up for the abusers. The spiritual counselor I’ve been working with took a sharp turn from many good things to this whole new place I hate: He wants me to forgive my mother. Why should I forgive someone who beat the heck out of me? I just don’t see it. I’m not stupid; I understand that she came from her own bad karma; I get that letting go helps me. However, hating her is the only real spiritual clarity I’ve had in years. I know how awful that sounds but I feel a great clearing to see what she did, so to ask me to forgive her makes me nuts! He is insisting that I am staying stuck. It sounds right but I can’t even imagine letting go of my newfound hate of her and all she did. Any suggestions?
Susan

Dear Susan:

I feel both you and your therapist are right – you’re just viewing this from different perspectives. It sounds like this healer knows what he is doing, for he has helped you a great deal, proven his wisdom and earned your trust thus far. I agree with his assessment of the situation: that holding on to hatred of your mother will keep you stuck.

At the same time, however, it’s imperative that you love and trust yourself enough to honor your true feelings. If it doesn’t feel right to let go of this hatred yet, then you must do what feels right and best to you.

Please do note that when we forgive someone, that doesn’t mean we’re to blame for whatever they did. Further, when we have feelings of hatred for someone, that doesn’t mean we are somehow at fault. It feels to me like you really need to love your inner child by clearly acknowledging what happened to you when you were small and validating your feelings about that.

Perhaps it doesn’t feel like you can let go of this hatred because you’re waiting for validation of your feelings from some of the key people involved. As you move forward and learn to love yourself even better, it won’t be so important to get that external validation, and this will empower you to release more of the deep pain that you’ve been carrying around for years.

For now, by allowing yourself to be angry with your mother, you are finally starting to affirm your love for yourself. Children who are abused tend to have very low self-esteem, and when they decide that they deserve better and they get angry, then instead of turning all that pain inward, they start to flow it outward toward whomever or whatever mistreated them. This begins to release the energy, which can bring a profound sense of relief. Hatred can thus indeed be healing when it represents a shift toward greater self-love. It’s just one step, but when we’ve come from an even lower vibration, we may feel much better than we felt before.

I feel your counselor is trying to help you but needs to be patient and understanding of where you are in this process. This is one of the trickier aspects of spiritual counseling: when we’re forever tapping into higher truths and aligning with a super high vibration, we can lose touch with ordinary life, which diminishes our effectiveness as healers.

You are naturally conflicted. In seeking help from this counselor, you are in essence asking him to guide you to a warmer, happier place. Let’s say that initially, when you were in a place of tremendous emotional pain and struggle, it was like you were living in a frozen, barren tundra. As you began to shift out of feeling powerless, unlovable and victimized, you moved into feeling more empowered and angry at your abusers. While this doesn’t sound all that wonderful, it was like moving from that frozen tundra to someplace like Toronto: even though it’s still really cold there, it feels so much better than where you were before.

Meanwhile, your healer is living in a tropical paradise and is eager to help you find your way to the wonderful place he has found. In continuing to work with him, you are in essence asking him to help you keep moving to a better/warmer place. At the same time, however, you are telling him that you don’t want to leave the cold weather (hatred) behind.

No doubt you just need a chance to rest and recover from your recent trek, to integrate your experiences and gather the strength and courage for another journey. On a spiritual level, you’re feeling pretty worn out and at the same time, feeling so much better than you did before that you’re wondering if you really do need to keep moving.

You are free to stay where you are with all of this for as long as you like. If and when you feel ready, you can inch your way toward paradise or you take a big, sudden leap. It all depends on what feels right to you, what you’re ready for, and your own inner guidance.

In terms of your relationship with this healer, the important thing is to recognize that he may have the answers you need, that you may not be ready to hear them or act on them yet, and that is all okay.

I believe the lessons in this situation are naturally perfect for everyone involved. You are learning to honor your feelings, trust yourself, and make choices based on what feels right to you. You’re learning that if you try to deny or repress your feelings, they will get swept under the rug again, and there they will make all sorts of lumps and bumps that you will trip over in the future. As they’ll then be hidden, you won’t know why you feel the way you do or keeping doing the self-destructive, crazy things you keep doing. Thus you are very wise to take all the time you need to fully work through and release your feelings.

Further, until you give yourself permission to feel all that you really feel, you will naturally resist moving on. Imagine yourself on that journey south, and that someone else is pushing you to keep moving even though you’re weary and need to rest a bit. In this scenario, it’s natural to resist being pushed. If, however, you claim your right to set your own pace, then you will sense when it’s time to get going again; it will feel comfortable and right for you to do so.

Your healer also has lessons in all of this. He’s being reminded to respect and honor his clients as unique spiritual beings who are being guided by Divine wisdom via their own hearts. He’s being reminded that everyone is always in just the right place for them. He’s being reminded that, in order to be a good teacher, he must teach at his students’ pace, not the pace that he would prefer. He’s being reminded that he can do his best to help, but he can’t move for you: only you can truly change your life, and trying to rush the process will only take longer in the end and prove more stressful than necessary. Your spiritual counselor does sound wise. My sense is that he isn’t truly trying to rush you, but is instead simply spelling things out for you, letting you know that when you want to make further progress, you will have to head in a certain direction. You can take all the time you need getting ready for that spiritual journey, but he’s right that in order to get to a tropical paradise, you’re eventually going to have to head toward the equator. You can take all the time you need, of course, for the relative paradise of inner peace will always be there, ready for you to call it home.

– Soul Arcanum

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Healing Karma with Father who Abused Her

Filed Under: Emotional Well-being, Healing, Karma, Past Lives, Reincarnation by Soul Arcanum — Comments Off on Healing Karma with Father who Abused Her


Copyright Soul Arcanum LLC. All rights reserved. :)
 

Dear Soul Arcanum:

I “divorced” my father when I was in my late 20s because he was a pedophile who refused to acknowledge the harm he’d done to my siblings and me. I pressed criminal charges against him when I was in my early 30s and he went to jail. My brother kept in contact with him until a few years ago when he took a sexploitation trip through Thailand. I’ve been through 12-step programs for incest survivors and have done a lot of inner work. My children know why they don’t have a second grandfather. I consider myself a full survivor but want to know if there are ways to complete the emotional healing process so I don’t carry unfinished karma into my next incarnation. Thank you for the great work you do through your columns. My friends and family appreciate them too.

Moneca

Dear Moneca:

First I have to commend you for all the inner work you’ve already done to heal from the past and empower yourself for the future. I also applaud your foresight, for you are right in assuming that until this experience is fully healed, it will come up again and again for you, if not in this lifetime, then in future lives.

My sense is that you’ve pretty much made peace with this on a personal level; what’s left is to make peace with your father so you can align with a higher level of experience with him in future lives. On the other hand, you may already be at the point where you can look at the blessings that came from this experience and give thanks for the unique journey that has been yours, which is a sign that you’re at peace and ready to move on.

Before those readers who can’t see how such an experience could possibly involve any sort of blessing start sending me hate mail, let me explain. I’m sure this difficult journey made you question life and become a deeper thinker, that it stretched you to find inner strength you didn’t know you had, and that it led you to develop compassion for everyone who suffers abuse. We tend to view painful experiences as curses, but in my experience, the more life stretches our capacity to endure, the stronger and wiser we grow.

There is a key turning point in the spiritual healing process where one who has been abused begins to find compassion for the abuser. Let me share my own experience to demonstrate that I know what I’m talking about.

When I was a teenager, I was stalked and eventually raped by a crazy guy in his twenties. Though I was too young to fully realize it at the time, I have come to understand that our meeting was destined and that we already had a strong but troubled karmic bond.

His mother cut and styled hair out of her home, which is where we first encountered each other – at least, in this lifetime. When I saw him, every hair on my body stood up at attention. There was a sense of instant recognition I’ve come to associate with reuniting with someone from a past life, only this time, the feeling was far from positive. In fact, I was inexplicably terrified.

Since there was no logical reason to feel this way, I pushed the feelings aside. It’s too long a story to go into in detail here, but this guy must have felt something strong too because he began to stalk me. I would be driving home from work and see him in his car, following me. When I left school for the day, he would be in the parking lot, leaning against his car, just staring at me. He began to call me every night. When I tried to shake him off, he began to threaten to harm my little brother or my friends. I had learned that he had a number of friends who were convicted felons, so I decided to take his threats seriously.

He stalked me for months before he managed to get me alone; that’s when the rape occurred. I guess I was naïve, but I was truly shocked at how violent he became. It was following that experience that I took my power back, shed my fear of him, and took a stand by telling him that if he ever contacted me again, I would go to the police. (I know I should have gone to the police anyway, but I was sure my father would kill him if he found out, and I couldn’t bear the thought of my dad spending the rest of his life in prison.)

The turning point in my healing process came when I realized that I would rather be me and be raped by this man than to be him. As I struggled to understand why he had done what he’d done, I realized that his inner world was a really twisted, ugly place. I only had to live with his ugliness for a while; for him, it was a constant and inescapable prison.

As I had karmic encounters with other people from past lives, I also realized that I must have some history with this guy. I don’t know what happened back then, but I came to understand that we were both unconsciously acting out some old patterns. I also realized that if I didn’t want to keep circling this enemy throughout future lives, I would have to consciously change things for the better.

This is where your own story comes in. While I am in no way suggesting you try to find a way to justify what your father did or equating an attack by a stranger with the profound betrayal of a parent, it’s nevertheless true that in order to fully heal and set yourself free from this for all time, you would be wise to try to find compassion for your father.

Can you imagine what it would be like to be him? There is a lot of wisdom in saying to yourself, There but for the grace of God go I. While people like to tell themselves that they could never be as selfish or cruel as the individuals they most despise, in my view, that sort of thinking is a good way to be born as just such an individual because walking some miles in their shoes may the only way to develop compassion and understanding for them.

On my own quest for healing, it occurred to me that I may have hurt this man really badly at some point. As I pondered the karma between us, I also imagined him being raped or abused in a future lifetime in order to learn some compassion, and that’s when it occurred to me that perhaps this was why I had been attacked – to develop greater kindness and compassion than I had embodied in the past. (To better understand karmic relationships and why we reincarnate with the same people over and over again, you might want to explore the research of Michael Newton, Ph.D.)

If finding compassion for your dad proves too difficult, hypnotherapy may be just what you’re looking for. A gifted therapist can guide you in hearing your higher self so you can determine what needs to be done next in your healing process, help you heal and release any issues that are still sore spots for you, and empower you to move past any beliefs that could be preventing you from fully resolving all of this. For example, if you believe it’s not safe to forgive because you could be hurt again, working with a hypnotherapist can help you reprogram your belief system so you can bless yourself with greater peace and healing.

You will know that you have completed the healing process when you can give thanks for the wisdom, strength, compassion and other benefits you received from this experience, and when you can feel compassion for your father and sincerely hope he finds his way to the same peace you hunger for in your own heart.

Soul Arcanum

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Knowing When It’s Time to Move On from a Relationship

Filed Under: Emotional Well-being, Relationships, Spiritual Growth by Soul Arcanum — Comments Off on Knowing When It’s Time to Move On from a Relationship

Copyright Soul Arcanum LLC. All rights reserved. :)
 

Dear Soul Arcanum:

How do we know when we’ve learned all we can from someone, and it is time to move on? I’m a Gemini who has long been married to a passive-aggressive Leo who is emotionally abusive in a subtle way. I’ve tried to leave several times in the past, but when I do, the Universe seems to create situations that make leaving unfavorable. I’m in love with the “inner being” of this man, which I can clearly see, but which he won’t allow out. He certainly has been a great catalyst for my personal growth, but there must be a time when there are no more lessons to be learned from a particular person, and staying with them is not in our best interests. I would greatly appreciate any clarification on the difference between running away and leaving because it’s just time. Thanks for a wonderful column. There is always something to be learned here!

Linda

Dear Linda:

Thank you for a wonderful question. This is really a biggie. It’s an issue I encounter all the time in my spiritual counseling work from people who are feeling bored with their careers, constricted by their relationships, or uninspired with life as they know it. Everyone who is in conscious pursuit of personal growth must tackle this eventually. The fundamental question is if we’re avoiding personal growth when we avoid discomfort, or if we’re simply listening to our inner guidance when we want to get away from situations that don’t feel good and right to us.

We might simplify the issue by comparing it to eating right. I have a very picky little eater at my house. Not only does she shun vegetables, but she’s averse to even trying new foods. This pickiness may be related to some primal instinct designed to keep us from poisoning ourselves, but it’s obviously more than that in her case, and she needs to eventually get over it. After all, vegetables (like learning) are good for you. If you, however, took a bite of some thing or experience and it tasted bad to you, that could be discomfort with something new, or it could be a warning from your body that what you’re eating is truly bad for you. Should you force yourself to eat it? Should you spit it out? Would you judge yourself harshly if you didn’t choke it down?

We’re told that we should always follow our bliss, and despite all the questions this raises, it ultimately DOES WORK. If we follow our bliss and just eat ice cream and candy all day, (or stay in jobs or relationships we’ve outgrown) we’re not going to thrive. In fact, before long, we’re going to feel really bored and yucky. Following our bliss will then lead us to do something different. Relationships are tricky because we often fail to realize that just as people have different levels of tolerance for pain, they also have different levels of tolerance for pleasure. One person’s “bliss” may be relatively low on our own scale of well-being – and that’s fine for them. Maybe we need to eat tons of vegetables and embrace new challenges to maintain our own high vibration, and guess what…that’s also fine! It seems you’ve allowed your husband to be “subtly emotionally abusive” for a long time now. Can you allow yourself to want something different?

It seems that what was once your bliss is longer your bliss. You may have been sincere in making huge, unfathomable promises when you married this man (to happily stay with him forever and ever and ever), but now your inner being has risen in vibration, and this is no longer bliss for you. To follow your bliss now may mean making new choices and arrangements. Inner conflict is most marked in people who are into self-development despite their high level of personal awareness. Not only do they expect themselves to grin and bear everything uncomfortable as some kind of “lesson” and to do the “right thing,” but they blame themselves if they’re not happy about it. An inner battle then rages between following their bliss and fulfilling their promises. What a dilemma!

The answer to your quandary lies in knowing that you have not really been learning anything FROM your man. You have learned plenty from this relationship experience, but he hasn’t really taught you anything. Your learning is your OWN, and it will continue whether the relationship thrives or fizzles.

The question is therefore really whether or not you want him along as a companion on your own quest for growth and fulfillment. Does the relationship support you in becoming all you desire to be? Does it comfort you and sustain you when you are down? Does it inspire you and fill your life with passion? Does it feel like an exciting adventure or like a wet, itchy, shrunken wool sweater?

Since you’re motivated by personal growth, have you considered that you may be avoiding it by staying IN the relationship? Perhaps your lesson here is to let go of what you think you “should” do, and bravely honor your heart.

This is not easy, I know. The hardest decision I’ve ever had to make was whether or not to end my first marriage. I was totally miserable. My husband was miserable too, but not to the degree I was. (He was a workaholic, so he was too busy to deal with emotions). I silenced all the initial messages from my inner being that this relationship had become “bad” for me. What about my children? I answered back. What about the promises I’d made? How selfish could I allow myself to be? It was only when I became ill with severe chronic sinus infections that I realized that I was not buckling down to spiritual lessons by staying: I was ignoring my own inner guidance out of fear of what would happen if I honored the truth in my heart. When I left, I experienced profound relief. I could breathe again. It was only in actually doing what I both desired and feared to do that I finally knew what was really “right” for me.

Spirit’s advice in such situations is often to simply lighten up and take a break. Experiment. Take some time for yourself. (Take a bite of what it’s like to be free of this situation, and see if you like how it tastes.) Because this is such an individual matter, you need to give yourself permission to take some time and space to figure it out.

If your husband balks and ends the relationship because he’s upset that you would be so bold and “selfish” as to take some time alone (as mine did), then I think the Universe has made things patently clear for you (and kindly taken the decision off your shoulders.) If he supports you in trying to “find” yourself, then he is at least a true friend. No matter what happens, getting some distance from the relationship will lead you to new clarity about what really works for you and what you really want.

Take some time for yourself, Linda. Do whatever your resources allow you to do: rent a place of your own for three months or stay with a friend. If you get some distance from this relationship, your energy will separate from his, and you’ll be able to sort out what is what. You may even discover that you’ve been projecting some of your own inner conflicts onto the relationship, that it has no more power over the quality of your inner experience than you give to it, that your learning is not dependent on him or anything else outside of you.

By the way, no one can subtly emotionally abuse you unless you let them. Perhaps when you take some time and space away from him, he’ll be motivated to examine his own issues, too. Just remember: you are not responsible for his learning.

I’m confident that if you take some time away from the relationship, you’ll find new clarity. May your inner being direct you to the right path for you with unmistakable feelings of true well-being.

– Soul Arcanum

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