Dear Soul Arcanum:
I consider myself to be a kind and compassionate person, and am generally tolerant of most people. My tolerance, however, has about run dry with my nasty neighbor next door. Without going through a litany of offenses, it takes every ounce of my being not to throttle her and/or perpetrate some delicious revenge for having to put up with her lack of decorum. Any time she’s nice, there’s always an ulterior motive. I know she’s a very troubled woman and has had a tough life. Her insecurity and self-hatred are painfully obvious. As a spiritual person, I try to be understanding and compassionate, knowing that deep down she’s miserable. I find it more and more difficult, however, to continue biting my tongue when I hear the dog endlessly barking, the trash piling up in her yard, and the unasked for advice on how to landscape my own yard. I’m planning on moving at some point, but until then, I’m stuck living next to her. What are some ways to put up with an obnoxious person who seems to test us at every turn? I’d love to launch her into the next solar system!
B.
Dear B.:
You’ve come to the right person, for I assure you that I too have had my own nemesis; I too have succumbed to anger and lost sight of my own spiritual values; I too have plotted wicked revenge. I have in fact amazed myself with my capacity for vengeance, and I now think the last person I’d want to have really mad at me would be ME.
I believe that you’re quite a bit like me, and what’s bothering you more than the neighbor herself is your own inability to remain “spiritual” in the midst of this conflict. If we are the sort of people who strive to do the right thing, to rise above ego to be kind, to give of ourselves in helping others, etc., it’s hard to accept and handle people who seem to be living at the other end of the spectrum, but it’s even harder to accept ourselves when we begin to sink to their level.
In our naivete, at first we may assume that our “enemies” couldn’t possibly know the harm they are inflicting, or else they’d change their behavior. When it becomes apparent that they just don’t care or are purposefully being negative or harmful, we sensitive souls can be shocked and disturbed. (As I was happily in denial myself for the first 30 years of my life or so, I hate to be the one to break it to you, but some people can be downright mean and nasty out of pure self-interest.)
It’s then further upsetting when we can’t seem to find a spiritual solution that works for everyone. Some people will try to use reason and persuasion to change the other person; others will pray or resort to spells or other efforts to affect the situation; some of us endlessly search for a “win/win” solution for everyone involved. If none of this seems to work, it’s easy to get caught up in confusion: Is the other person really wrong, or am I too sensitive and judgmental? Is this situation driven by my own bad karma? Am I to be a teacher here, or is the lesson for me? (And when did I become so ugly inside, anyway? Do my angels and guides know how wicked my thoughts can be? Gasp! Does GOD?)
As the Law of Attraction states that we draw people and experiences to us based on our own vibration, if we’re staring at something or someone really horrible, it’s natural to wonder if WE are horrible too. I don’t believe that all people and experiences in our lives reflect our own vibration – some are just secondary results of some primary manifestation. There are many ways/reasons such people may enter our experience. Sometimes the house we really want just happens to be next to theirs, as in your case. Sometimes we are related to such people, or were married to them in the past. Sometimes having a certain wonderful person in our lives means we have to deal with that person’s not so wonderful ex-wife, kids, spouse, etc. If someone irritating is in your experience, don’t assume you’ve done something wrong. If your inner world is festering with anger and revenge, however, the true “enemy” you’re battling is inside of you.
After much experimentation and frustration myself, I have learned that you can’t change a lion into a kitten, but you can either win the lion over or learn how to walk through the jungle without fear of attack. The lions are still there, but they’re no longer a threat to our well-being.
While enmeshed in my own similar lesson, I did at times lose my temper and engage in conflict, which of course only led to escalation. On the whole, however, when I began to “turn the other cheek,” to return mean acts with kind ones, things began to shift. They shifted even more when I realized how much inner time I’d started to devote to the situation, and decided that I needed to get a life again. (If you look back, you’ll realize you had a lot more important stuff going on in your mind and heart before this battle began.) When I stopped trying to force things to change because I had more important things to do, when I focused my mental and emotional energy on creating what I wanted in the rest of my life instead of pushing against the one thing I didn’t want, then the situation really relaxed and shifted. Before long, I was free from obsession, ugly thoughts and feelings. I still meet that lion now and then, and I still have to deal with the occasional drama, but it doesn’t pollute my soul anymore. In fact, much of the time the lion is downright friendly (though I’m not going to put my hand in its mouth or try to bring it home as a pet.) That is where you want to be.
I’m not saying you should be a doormat. I’m saying you should raise your vibration far above your neighbor’s, for then one way or another, she will fall out of your experience. So instead of focusing on getting rid of the neighbor problem, I recommend you focus on manifesting goodwill and harmony within you, regardless of what the neighbor does. This means that so long as you’re able to remain positive, you’re content. For every thing your neighbor does to disturb you, simply do something kind, either for her, yourself or someone else. Focus all your attention and energy on building big dreams and being the kind of person you most respect and admire. Look for people who are all the things you love: kind, polite, fun, respectful, courteous, etc.That is your challenge.
I know that my greatest “enemy” has been my greatest spiritual teacher. From that relationship I’ve learned the limits of my own compassion and tolerance, and I’ve stretched those limits. I’ve learned that even when we don’t understand others’ perspectives or opinions, that doesn’t mean we’re always right and they’re wrong. I’ve learned that even when I don’t like or trust someone, I can find the humanity in them, and I can continue to serve in many ways: by offering an example of someone who walks in Spirit; by overcoming my own ego and emotions to do the right thing; by remaining calm and speaking reasonably when others are yelling and angry. I’ve learned that the best way to “protect” myself is simply to focus on manifesting what I do want. The list is endless.
What I didn’t expect was to teach that person just as much as I learned. Recently she told me how much she has learned from how I’ve handled myself, and how much she admires and respects me. That was a great feeling.
Try to respond to your neighbor’s irritating issues with positive energy. You may just win her cooperation and admiration, but even if you don’t, you’ll have your soul back, and then what she does or doesn’t do won’t really matter to you anymore.
– Soul Arcanum
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