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Dear Soul Arcanum:

My boyfriend of 10 months died suddenly at the end of January, 2004. His death was related to alcohol poisoning. He was an alcoholic, and had lied to me about his sobriety. We broke up in November, spoke briefly in December, but never resolved anything, though we had decided to try to be friends. I was not informed of his death until mid March, and then “by accident.” I missed the funeral and have no sense of closure. Though he was a tormented man, I loved him, and I am still having trouble coming to terms with all of this. Can you comment on any past life connection, or how to deal with the grief of the sudden passing of a loved one when there is much “unfinished business?” I have since learned that he was unable to stay sober for very long, that he had “pulled it together” and met me during one of his sober periods. I spent the last year of his life with him, and I would like to think that I brought him some happiness. He was a very difficult and moody man, and at times was abusive. He also struggled with depression, but never really got the help he needed. Thank you for your kindness in responding to this letter.
Sincerely,
Miranda

Dear Miranda:

Most people will struggle to make peace with the passing of a loved one due to unfinished business at some point in their lives. First, it’s important to realize that not every spirit will instantly become “enlightened” upon passing over. Those with negative habits that they failed to overcome during life don’t instantly shed that heavy energy, especially when those habits were more mental, emotional and spiritual than physical. (Drug addiction would arise from an inability to cope in a healthy way with life’s emotional stresses). We should not expect someone who had such problems while alive to suddenly be all love and light once on the other side.

On the other hand, relationships between many parents and children (and other family members) are often rife with misunderstandings. In those cases, the parents usually instantly see the “big picture” once on the other side, and are anxious to come through and say that nothing that they fought about with their kids was really important. They very much want their children to be happy, and want to communicate that they are proud of them and love them deeply.

I am a Spiritualist minister, and I believe Spiritualism is the answer here. It’s a wonderful source of healing for those who are trying to find peace with the passing of a loved one, whether this involves clearing up unfinished business or just knowing that those no longer here on Earth with us are okay.

There are wonderful little Spiritualist churches hidden in pockets all over the U.S. and Great Britain. I myself have been attending one in a town about a half hour away, and I have found perhaps a dozen or so other churches within an hour from my home. There are many gifted mediums and healers working out of these churches. One thing that amazes me is how few people generally attend these services, or perhaps even know about them. Given the popularity of medium John Edwards, and the fact that many local mediums are just as gifted as he is, I can only assume that folks have no idea this sort of work is readily available and happening regularly right in their own communities.

I strongly encourage anyone who is grieving to visit a Spiritualist church or a Spiritualist medium. Imagine a medium bringing through evidential information and facilitating communication that leads to closure. This is powerful healing work!

You can also pray and ask for a direct connection with a loved one. You might begin by writing a letter, and then meditate and allow your loved one to “write back to you” by writing down everything that comes to you.

For most loved ones in spirit, this will work. With your friend John and others who had mental/emotional problems, however, it may be harder for THEM to come through. People who were deeply challenged in honestly, sincerely connecting with others when living will have to work to develop those abilities in the beyond. However, others in Spirit such as spirit guides could come through and help facilitate peace and understanding.

You can also just meditate and ask to be given peace with all of this. This can lead to a heart connection (without words) with a loved one in Spirit, or it can just lead you to new peace and understanding above and beyond any connection or relationship you may have or have had with anyone else.

Also, we would all be wise to remember that it is much easier to finish our business while our loved ones are still here on the Earth plane with us. If we don’t clear it up now, we’ll have to do so eventually. Whether you meet them later in this life, the afterlife, or a future life, if you ended things on a bad note, you’ll have to clear that up. I prefer to get those weights off my heart as soon as possible.

One way we can find compassion for those who have hurt us is to ask ourselves if we would rather be “us” (and mistreated) or be the other person – so lost at a soul level that we are capable of atrocious behavior. I personally would rather be mistreated than cruel. I also like to point out that our rough pasts have made us who we are today. None of us would want to give up any of our strength or wisdom, so how we can truly regret the past?

I encourage everyone who is carrying around hurt feelings or bitterness to move toward forgiveness as soon as possible, for their own sakes. It’s the most important spiritual work we can do! So turn off the TV, put aside the lawn mower and the laundry, and make sure all your relationships are in order. Reach out with love and compassion to apologize to those you have harmed and forgive those you feel have harmed you.

I pray that you find the peace and understanding that I have found in Spiritualism’s gifts and teachings. May this whole experience lead you to new wisdom and happiness!

– Soul Arcanum

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